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Nailed it on the head.. 5 Mistakes Made by Every New Parent

In order to make this work, you absolutely have to remember that romance is an actual part of your relationship. It's hard. When you have a child, your entire life turns into work and chores. Everything feels clinical because you feel like the slightest misstep could spell disaster. So what happens is that you end up neglecting things like dates -- or, hell, even an hour's break to just get out and call attention to the fact that you are emotionally committed to this person and that they are just as important as the child.

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"Yeah? Well, I love you, too, you stupid whore!"

Ignoring that is an excellent way to start a pattern of resentment and anger, and that's when the fighting begins. You cannot let that happen in front of the child, no matter what their age. I found this out firsthand back when I used to let my temper run rampant and unchecked. No, young children can't understand what you're saying, but they can sure as hell understand the tone and volume of your voice. And the last thing you want as a parent is for your children to learn from an early age that you are to be feared, because that destroys the bond of trust. Instead of opening themselves up to you, they learn to keep a safe distance, holding back anything that they think might trigger your crazy voice. "My dad is a fucking psychopath" is not an acceptable first impression.

Of course, when you have your second child, you look back on that and think, "No shit. I'm taking every opportunity to get out of this house and take a break. Otherwise, I'm going to pull my hair out. Hey, Fuck Partner, take me out to eat and then rub your floppy parts on me."

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"Tonight, it's just you and me. Don't even think about our fun-ruining piece of shit son."

sooo true!

Archive for

March 2013

A dire tale of ass-kissing and hot iron insertion for Mr. Nicholas: The Miller's Tale - Chaucer in the Twenty-First Century

When the first cock had crowed, up rose this frisky lover, and arrayed him in his gayest with all nicety. But first he chewed cardamoms and licorice to smell sweetly, before he had combed his hair, and put a true-love charm under his tongue, for by this he hoped to find favor. He rambled to the carpenter's house, and stood still under the casement, which was so low it reached to his breast. He gave a soft half-cough,-"What do you, sweet Alison, honeycomb? My fair bird, my darling! Awake, sweet cinnamon, and speak to me. You think right little upon my sorrow, who sweat for your love wherever I go! 3702

No wonder though I languish and sweat! I mourn like a lamb after the dug. In faith, darling, I have such love-longing that I mourn like the true turtle-dove. I cannot eat, no more than a maiden." 3707

"Go from the window, Jack-fool," she said. "On my soul, there will be no singing "Come kiss me now." I love another better than you, by heaven, Absalom, and else I were at fault. Go your ways, or I will cast a stone at you, and let me sleep, in the Devil's name!" 3713

"Alas!" he said. "Alackaday that true love was ever so ill bestowed! Then kiss me, since it may be no better, for Jesus' love, and for the love of me." 3717

"Will you then go your way with that?" she said. 3718

"Yes, surely, sweetheart," said this Absolom. 3719

"Then make yourself ready," she said, "I am coming now." 3720

And to Nicholas she said silently, "Now hush, and you shall laugh your fill." 3722

This Absolom set himself down on his knees and said, "I am a lord of the highest degree; for after this I hope there will come more. Sweetheart, your grace, and sweet bird, your favor!" 3726

She unlatches the window, and does so in haste. "Take this," she said, "come now, and move quickly, lest our neighbors see you." 3729

This Absolom wiped his mouth dry. Dark as pitch, or as coal, was the night, and at the window she put out her hole, and Absolom, who knew no better or worse but with his mouth he kissed her naked ass so sweetly, before he was aware of this. 3735

He started aback, and thought something was amiss, for well he knew a woman has no beard. He felt something all rough and long-haired, and said, "Fy! alas! What have I done?" 3739

"Tee hee!" she said, and shut the window, and Absolom went forth with troubled steps. 3741

"A beard! A beard!" said handy Nicholas, "By God's body, this goes fair and well." 3743

This foolish Absolom heard every bit, and on his lips he began to bite angrily, and said to himself, "I shall pay you back." 3746

Who rubs now, and who chafes now, his lips with dust, with sand, with straw, with cloth, with chips, but Absolom, who says over and over, "Alas! I commend my soul unto Satan"? But I would rather be revenged for this insult" he said, "than own this entire town. Alas," he said, "alas, that I did not turn aside!" 3753

His hot love was now cold and entirely quenched; for from that moment that he had kissed her ass, he cared not a straw for things of love, for he was healed of his sickness. Often the things of love he defied, and wept as does a child that is beaten. 3759

This Absalom walked slowly across the street to a smith called Master Gervase, who forged plough-instruments at his forge. He was busily sharpening coulter and share when Absalom knocked very gently and said, "Unlock the door, Gervase, and do it quickly." 3765

"What! Who are you?" 3766

"It is me, Absalom." 3766

"What, Absalom! By the cross, why are you up so early? Eh, God bless! What ails you? Some pretty girl, God knows, has brought you to stir so early. By Saint Neot, you know well what I mean!" 3771

This Absalom cared not a peascod for all his mocking, and returned not a word in kind. He had more wool on his distaff than Gervase knew, and said, "Dear friend, that hot coulter in the chimney--lend it to me. I have something to do with it; and I will bring it you again right away. 3778

"Surely," answered Gervase, "even if it were gold or nobles in a bag all uncounted, you should have it, as I am a faithful smith! Eh, the Devil, what do you want to do with it?" 3781

"That is as it may be," said Absalom. I shall tell you tomorrow;" and he took up the coulter by the cool handle. Softly he went out the door and went to the wall of the carpenter's house. He coughed first, and knocked withal upon the window, as he did before. 3789

"Who is there that knocks so?" Alison answered. "I warrant it a thief!" 3791

"Why nay," he said, "God knows, my sweet, I am your Absalom, my sweetheart. I have brought you a ring of gold; my mother gave it me, on my life! It is very fine and nicely engraved. I will give you this, if you kiss me!" 3797

This Nicholas had risen to take a piss, and he thought he would contribute to the joke; he should kiss him before he ran off! And he threw up the window in haste and quietly put his ass out--past the buttocks, all the way to the thigh-bone. Thereupon spoke this clerk Absalom, �Speak, sweet bird, I know not where thou art.� This Nicholas then let fly a fart as great as a thunder-clap, so much so that with the stroke Absalom was almost blinded; and he was ready with his hot iron and smote Nicholas on the ass. 3810

Off went the skin, about a hands-breadth around, the hot coulter burned his rump so, and for the pain he thought he would die. "Help! Water, water! Help, help, for God's sake!" he cried like a madman. 3815

my, oh my!!

Archive for

March 2013

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To Posterous, Love Metalab